7.01.2005

I'm not Running

Today feels like a Monday...I am in such a pissy mood. And this morning's conversation with my mom didn't help matters.

I said: Sean and I came up with a plan last night. A total budget, and a total plan we are gonna stick to.
Mom said: What for?
I said: So we can finally make our dream happen and leave this place.
Mom said: I don't know why you think you need to leave here, its not gonna be different anywhere else.
I said: (getting defensive because ive had this conversation at least 15 times) Whatever you think mom, but thats simply not true.
Mom said: Racism is everywhere, you can't run from your problems.
I said: I'm not running from my problems! (I'm yelling) Just because I want to give my boys more than what I was offered. A nice college selection, a beach to run on, concerts to go to, diversity, a place where i can teach and make more than 25,000 dollars a year...I don't think thats to much to ask for - this is my life and I AM in control of the outcome.
Mom said: Well you can't run...
Mom exits the car and says: You mad?
I said: I just dont understand why you have to be so negative about everything.
Mom says: Bye Ashley, have a good day.
(and enters my aunt's bakery)
__________________________________________________________________________________


So i went from feeling like I was on top of the world, because sean and I are excited about eating ramen and hamburger helper and penny pinching so that we can finally leave. We've been saying for 2 and a half years we want to leave...we want to see better things...but we never did anything about it. Never took action. So we came up with what we needed to, and vowed to stick to it.

I'm not running. I'm really not. But unless you live in the fucking south and you have a biracial child YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL. My hatred for this place ran deep before I ever even brought my beautiful son into it. Does he affect my desicion? ABSOLUTELY. But so does his brother. I want them to have more. Experience more. They will never get a taste of what this world has to offer if I choose to not follow my heart. Its solely up to me to change their future. their options, their opportunities. And if i didn't...if i sat idly by...and was lazy and ignored that voice in the back of my head thats screaming at me...

that would be too much to bear.

**And for the record**
Julian was born while I was in the Air Force. He was raised in England until he was 2 and half years old. I never experienced one single solitarey form of racism until I moved back to Arkansas. So THAT is how I know its not the same everywhere. Because I have been other places. Its not just me hoping its different. Its me KNOWING its different.

18 people took the time to say:

island girl said...

Oh Ash...I hear ya girl!! I live in the South, well Florida...if you live in North Florida, which is where I grew up...alot of people would look down on a biracial couple much less a couple with a biracial child. Their views are so warpped, backwards and set in their ways..I just don't get it.

I live in Central Florida now, and it's such a mix of culture that if you DON'T run into a biracial child it would almost be a miracle. There's just more diversity here, and that's what I like about living here. No one treats my child differently b/c he's biracial. And I have friends who have children that are biracial, hell I have other family members who are biracial, and it's just not a big deal here.

You and Sean just bring your kiddos down here to Central Florida and your biracial kids can play with my biracial kids and live your lives girl!!

Klala said...

No racisim ova here sista...I work w/ an Equadorian and a Tunisian and they both make better tips than I do. Damn them and their interesting skin tones.

Sounds like your mom is just as close minded as the people she thinks you're running from. I'm sorry for that.

You are completely correct to want to give your babies opportunities...And I'm so proud of you and Sean for making an aggressive decision to change it. Besides, you are WAY to cool for Arkansas. Or Kentuky. Or Alabama. Where is it you live again? All those central states just blur into one big farm to me....lmao. Just kidding babies!!

Ashley said...

No personal attacks on Momma please!

My mom isn't a closed-minded person...old fashioned maybe...but she would die in a heartbeat for my son. He is her heart.

I think what it all comes down to is that she just simply doesn't want me to move.

I'm upset...but still have to defend momma...

:o)

Chris-el-da said...

my mom always tells me that i'm running. and she says "no matter how far you run - you'll still run right into yourself." I don't think you're running by trying to provide a better life for your family. that's something that is very respectable.

*on a lighter note - i like the stripes! the first "boom" i heard though, i thought came out of my son's arse! lmao

Colleen said...

i don't see it as running. i see it as moving on to a better life.

as a latina living in atlanta, i completely understand where you are coming from. i was born in miami, spent a large chunk of my childhood in the south, moved back to miami for a long while, and now i'm here. i hate atlanta, and i hate how people look at me and my husband (who is white) like we aren't supposed to be together.

plus, my mother is white, and growing up as a biracial child in the south was not fun. it left scars, and i only felt like i belonged when i was in miami.

i hear ya, and you go where you and your family feel most happy. that's what's important. racism is never going to go away no matter how much we fight it. you aren't running and you aren't giving up...you are reclaiming your happiness.

Meghan said...

I think most moms are sad/scared for when their children move away from them. I just moved one state away and my mom freaked out, so I think your mom is sad at the thought of you guys moving.

I think it is amazing that you are willing to sacrifice so much to give your babies a better life. I love that! I haven't ever lived in the south, and Utah doesn't have that much diversity but I don't think it would be anything like the south would be.

Julie said...

there is nothing wrong with wanting to move. Donnie and I have wanted out of Indiana just because we're bored here! We want to live somewhere where we feel more comfortable. I can imagine racism playing a huge role in moving, going somewhere where people have no hate. It disgusts me to see racism alive and well these days. DISGUSTS ME.

sounds like your mom doesn't want you to go. Mine gave us the same schpiel. THere is nothing wrong with moving somewhere else with more opportunity for you and Sean, and more choices for your children like college. Who wants to be locked into a deadend town? Not me. Hugs babe.

Laney said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. Your momma is just upset b/c she's gonna miss you and the boys. I think you and Sean should follow your heart. Just do it. You both are young, why not make a new start somewhere new. People do it everyday. Whatever you decide I support you all the way. Love you

lifes_lessons said...

i say run! but let me tell you, racism will exist in the north south east or west. Just be straight up, and honest w/ your child/children about who they are what they stand for and they will be fine, racism or not! My daughter is also bi racial, she's 5 and she has a very strong relationship with myself and her father and she is very very confident ...not to say she wont experience racism, or may have already.....but stay strong girl!

Peace

Pseudo-intellectual lunatic said...

God Bless America

suburban mom said...

Sounds like you definitely know what you're doing. You have the right idea.

marygrace said...

California is where you belong. We Californians would love your (1) sense of humor, (2) creative spirit, and (3) kick-ass biracial family. We love color. Love them to bits! Life's more enjoyable with personality, don't you think?

Take heart. You're on your way. You're making it happen. I'm proud.

Amber said...

Sean and yourself make one of the best teams I have ever come in contact with. I have no doubt (go gwen!) that you will make your dreams for youself, your husband, and your children come true. You have the power to accomplish anything chickster....you also know your mama will only miss you BUT she will be so stinking happy for you when it is all said and done. xoxo

April said...

Dayum woman, that sux that peeps are like that. I feel you, because my mom is white and I am biracial myself. Hang in there. ;D

Ashley said...

I'm proud of you.
For following your heart and eating Hamburger Helper and for giving your babies the best. And anyway, it's not running away; it's running to. Running to what your family needs. :)

Come move to Ontario. C'mon. You know you want to.


Ashley.

Jill said...

Hugs Ashley! I know what it feels like to have someone close to you be so negative about your dreams. You're doing the right thing, hoping and acting towards giving them something better! You already knew that tho so why am I tellin ya?! big hugs girl :)

Tina said...

I totally understand and you are right that it is not like that everywhere. I drove through Arkansas on the way to New Jersey and in a restaurant the guys sitting next door to use were going on and on about black people and not in pleasant terms. It was like that all through our trip while we were in the south. You would have thought they never ended slavery or something! ECK!!!!

~Krystyn~ said...

Go for it! Follow your dreams!! Dream Big! I love all those "dream" quotes!! You can do whatever you set your mind to...there will always be people out there trying to sabotage your efforts -ignore them and move forward.