7.12.2005

I'm Ready

Yesterday was the start of a new life for me...I turned over a new leaf. I turned the page. Whatever you wanna call it. Something snapped.

Lots of things I am changing. Lots of things I am making sure I continue to do the exact same way. Lots of things I'm introducing to myself. Lots of things I'm to risk, and just dive into.

See this is the deal...The last couple of years or so, I feel like the days have just been flying by me. I have been going to bed with no sense of accomplishment. No goals. Nothing to work towards. It was just routine stuff, stuff to pass the time. I had all these hopes and dreams in my head. {Get out of Arkansas, get my degree, become debt free, lose weight} and i wanted these things. And i constantly told other people I want these things but I was doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to accomplish them.

About 7 months ago, Sean was given a MAJOR opportunity. A GOLDEN TICKET. His aunt who is into real estate, buys old, broke down houses and fixes them up and rents them out. She offered Sean a look at house. It was a little 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. It needed some work. But nothing that was COMPLETELY crazy. Just the normal stuff. Broken Windows, New Carpet, Paint everywhere...Well we took her up on the offer. It was only 5000 dollars. (yes only five thousand dollars) I know some of my NYC and AZ friends are stroking out right now because for them thats only like 3 months of rent...but yes this house was 5000 dollars, and it was our ticket out of this place. It sounds simple right? Fix it up, sell it, become debt free, and move the EFF out of Arkansas. We were so stoked. We were excited. I mean we owned a house! And we were going to make it look awesome! And we were going to pay off our credit cards, and our jeep~well the first two months were great. Sean worked his ass off. Painted it, cleaned it, and that brings us to today. We neglected it. We ignored it. And its still sitting there waiting on us. (this was our PROJECT house, not the house we live in) It just needs some love. It just needs our attention.

Thats what I don't understand about myself. I know what to do to get me from Point A to Point B. But yet I continue to defy myself and NOT do what is BEST for me. Self Destruction.

Example: In order to pay off your debt and move, you need to fix the house and save.

Example: In order to lose weight, you MUST work out everyday and make healthy food choices.

Example: In order to further your education, you must actually turn in your financial paperwork and make an appointment with the counselor.

So that brings me to my newfound attitude. I am tired of the days buzzing by me. Im ready to get in the bed and feel like i DESERVED my sleep. I'm ready to attend college. I'm ready to stay up late with coffee and study and type up papers. I'm ready to go and get messy and have paint all over my face and in my hair because I worked my ass off getting that house in Awesome shape. I'm ready to focus on Jude's HIPPY lessons (Pre-K) I'm ready to move to wherever it is I'm supposed to be. {i don't know where just yet but I know I'm ready.}I'm ready to be in shape, and look awesome. and FEEL awesome. I want my children to think their Mommy is the most beautiful woman in the world. I want them to be proud of me. I want my husband to still get butterflies when he looks at me. They deserve that. I deserve that. I'm a quarter of the way there. I can't stop now.

I'm only 24 years old. I REFUSE to waste anymore time.

I am officially ready.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
This is the page I created for my Art Journal in response to the SPARK that says go with one color and only write in the bottom right corner. I think it was to see if you could mentally deal with all the space. As you can see I couldnt. I put a big ole heart made of white out right in the middle...

The five steps to happiness:

1. Free your heart from hatred

2. Free your heart from stress and worry.

3. Live simple.

4. Give more.

5. Expect Less.

**Regular scheduled sessions of making fun of someone or something will resume tomorrow**

Also...here is an update for you. Remember all you little curious cats that were wondering what sparked that post? what happened? There is an answer for you in my comments.

17 people took the time to say:

Missy said...

ash! I am soooo proud of you! But I am sure your sons think you are beautiful... and S. gets butterflies when he sees you.

But I give you a big round of applause for doing this FOR YOU.
YOU deserve it.
YOU rock.

And your AJ page? too cool. so you.

Kelly said...

I found your blog through Julie's blog I think. I read it every day and love your humor. As I read your entry today I felt like I was cheering you on from the side lines. GOOD FOR YOU! You sound so determined to change your life. I know you can do it!

Amber said...

ask and you shall receive! yippee! an ashley post!
girl...you know it in your head, you know it in your heart. all you and sean have to do is make it happen. I feel it...you will. sometimes you just need an A-HA moment like this to beat your ass to the ground and realize it isn't going to do it on it's own. This is something that Amby has come to terms w/...life is waiting...you have to jump. Jump at the chances, jump at the opportunities, jump at the experiences. So glad we are on this road of life together. So glad we have so much in common. and so effing glad that i have you as a friend to help guide me. even this post is a reminder.
all in all...i heart you my buttercup. and you know that i wish only amazing things for you. those same things you have in your heart. keep up this positive attitude and you will be there in no time.
ok...long enough..i'm done. xoxo :o)

Jen said...

I agreee- with Kelly, but I found your blog through Meg and Kris. I love reading all your stuff!

Totally know what you mean about knowing what you should do, but not doing it. But you're on the right track now, yay for you!!

And your art journal lo frickin' rocks! Loving it! I just (about an hour ago) signed up too, everybody's stuff is so cool I decided I had to try it.

aNGI b said...

dude, this entry is even more inspiring then that quote I found. why? because you've got a checklist and everything!!! i know what i've got to do,i'm wired into a positive attitude but i don't have the checklist. thanks, man! (really cool post and AJ entry too)

Ashley said...

Ashley! You are so freaking fantastic!! Love you to bits and pieces. :) This is such beautiful writing, such a truthfulness that can only come from the heart. But know too, that you are all of these things that you strive to be. They are already there.

Go you!
Ashley.
PS. Can't believe you are only 24 (I hope you are not sick of hearing that) You are wise behind your years.
(I meant to say "beyond your years" but I rather like my little mispeak. So I'm leaving it.)

Julie said...

go Ashley! Sometimes we have to search out that happiness, but it sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders and will find that fulfillment in life. I'd love to have a fixer upper house, except for all that manual labor. Blech. LOL I'd just love to redesign from the floor up. LOL Have you seen that show "Property Ladder" on TLC or something like that? Watch it. It shows people who buiy a house for the purpose of flipping it...renovating it to resell for a profit. Looks fun, but exhausting!

Klala said...

First of all, I love that aj entry. Your handwriting is just so damn cool.

Second, I feel like I'm going through the same shit right now. It's a mixture of insecurity and laziness...and it's deadly! I hate the thought that I am not progressing, not making strides.

Being Idle. I know you can do all the things on your list, it's just a matter of staying motivated. And for the record, your kids do think you're the most beautiful person in the world. And Sean. So don't worry about that, lol. And we love you! So go for your dreams...

Colleen said...

after i read this, i smiled and just nodded my head. you go girl! with that attitude YOU ARE UNSTOPPABLE!!!! and it is coming through in your art journal too...love the page and the post. i'm taking a page from your book and getting up off of my JLo booty and doing something about the shit that I've let sit and sit and collect dust.

NO FEAR!

Klala said...

Wait, but don't spend ALL your time exercising and painting b/c we will be so sad if you aren't online w/ us all the time!!!

island girl said...

OMG Ash...what an awesome post! When I read your post I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I have had those same thoughts and feelings. Kristi had it right...a mixture of insecurity and laziness...I have never been in this place and I don't like it, but oddly enough it's comfortable. I've known what my goals are but I've done nothing about them. Here lately I've decided to tackle them one at a time.

Kudos to you ASH, seriously, I am rooting for you and am so proud of you! You are so going to accomplish this list and much, much more girl!

You go girl!
Jen

KerryLynne said...

awww, punkin'...you are SOO wise beyond your years...and you are so smart...and blessed...and you deserve all that you desire...and i love you...:)

and that page...come on...PINK and a HEART and your handwriting...it's the SWEETEST thing you've never made for me...:)

Meghan said...

Ash. Suddenly I am so sad I didn't see this post sooner than right now. I love this post. I know you hate Arkansas so much and I know the feeling of not doing things you KNOW in your soul you are capable of doing. I love the fact that you just put it all out there for all of us to see. That in itself is a gigantic commitment (I hope I just effing spelled that right) and I love it that you have so many goals and I know you will get to them all. There are so many things in my life I thought I would be all up on as soon as I finished school....But so far I have succeeded in drinking more and working at a stupid job I hate. You just inspired me, chicky. Sometimes I feel like you and I are on the same wavelength or something. I love you darling and I know you will make all your list blow by. Wow. Thanks so much for posting this. You have me ON FIRE INSPIRED.
xoxox

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