A slice of Me

I was in the Air Force for 5 years...its not what i had planned for my life. My plan was to be an elementary school teacher. But education costs money, and that I didn't have. So, the military appealed to me. I was in, did my time (and a little more) and got it. No, I didn't work on or fly a plane. I was in adminstration. Office job. Computer. Nice desk. Pictures all around me. My ivy Judith. An abundance of Paperwork. Now i just need to finish college.

I love Saturday Night Live. I just freaking LOVE that damn show. That is my dream job. To imitate. To make fun of. To make people laugh. To do improv. To be creative, and to be near Jimmy Fallon...(he's gone I know) but I love that show. I will see that show live before I die...

I am in love. My husband has loved me since he was 15 years old. It just took me a little longer. His love is unconditional. He is the best father on this freaking planet. He can grill like nobody's business. He has made me laugh so hard my stomach hurts EVERY SINGLE day since the day we got married. He pisses me off more than anybody can because he knows me inside and out. THIS is our love captured.

My son Julian AKA Jude has taught me alot about the world and how it works. He is biracial. He is beautiful. He is a joker. He is loved. He is mine. He is Seans. Blood and DNA are NOT are not what has molded him into this amazingly smart and funny kid. Its because of me. Its because of Sean. Its because of our love for each other. I see myself in him. In both his good attributes and his bad. He is the joker. He will be the class clown, but he is impatient and he has a smartass mouth. This is Jude, and my feelings for him.

My son Sandler AKA Bing is the greatest thing I never knew I wanted. I always said that I would be fine if I never got pregnant again. But i had no idea that this little boy could make me feel so complete. So content. It was hard for me. The adjustment to two children, two little beings to care for, it wasn't easy for me. I am still learning about balance and juggling things and making sure that I am there 100% for both of them. He makes me feel needed, he let me let go of Jude a bit, and I needed that. I was probably destined to be a psycho Texas Cheerleader Mom...Bing helped me get grounded. THIS is my love for Sandler.

I love things like rainbows, flamingos, the stationary isle at target, all those journals at Barnes and Nobles, fresh magazines that haven't been opened yet, new box of crayons, stickers, fine tip pens, french manicures, chunky jewelery, old school converses, the black eyed peas, the green day DOOKIE album, the color green, buttercream candles, martha stewart magazines, the Price is Right, and Elimidate, old jeans that are baggy and all frayed at the bottom.

I cherish my friendships. I love them. I nurture them. I will do anything to make them work. I have been lucky and not so lucky with in the friendship department. There are friends that I have lost touch with that I wonder if maybe I would have done something differently we would still be great buds today. There are also friendships that I was glad to see end. They weren't healthy, they weren't positive. I feel very blessed in this department today.

I am an insecure person physically. I have battled with my weight since the sixth grade. I have been thin. I have been fat. I have been imbetween. I think even when i get to my target weight, I will still always feel fat. I will always feel like someone is looking at me in disgust if I get that second piece of chocolate cake. But I will say this. I have amazing bright sparkly blue eyes. I have nice calves. I have the cutest little freckles sprinkled on my shoulders. I am going to feel beautiful, and be happy with myself. Its just really hard sometimes.

I have lots of things to do. Lots of things to see. Lots of things to accomplish. But I'm ready. I'm so ready.

I just felt the need to share a slice of me. I needed to write how I feel right now.

13 people took the time to say:

Missy said...

Ash, I love you.
This makes me love you even more.

Your love for your husband and sons is unmeasurable- this I can tell just by reading this, and "talking" to you everyday.

I'm with you on Saturday night live, new crayons, new magazines- those are some of my simple pleasures. BUT YOU SKIPPED GWEN! I will let that slide ;)

I am glad you are my friend. You have a huge heart and you wear it on your sleeve.

You are beautiful. Target weight, in between, whatever. Your inside is beautiful, and that shows on the outside.

Love you sweets.
You rock my world with your talent, compassion, humor and love.

We've got a good thing going- us goofball girls.
And for that, I'm thankful.

Missy said...

I just realized the word should be "immeasurable"- damnit missy, proofread!!

Meghan said...

Ash. This post is so beautiful and made feel so happy in my insides. I am so much in love with your marriage right now. That photo of Sean hovering over your hospital bed is making me cry a little right now because it is so amazing. I know, I am emotional maniac but really-wow.
The reason I think I was drawn to you is because you do wear your heart on your sleeve and I love people that can understand and feel their emotions.
I think you are gorgeous at whatever weight. Your eyes are beautiful and I dig freckles.
Did I mention how much I love how you are with your babies? This is my favorite post from you so far. Thank you for brightening my day. It's ridiculous.


Julie said...

you've got me crying. you are so real. so genuine.

totally inspiring just to read your love for your family and your life, makes me want to record my love for mine.

thats an awesome talent you got there. :)

Klala said...

You are the best, ASH! Your way w/ words is so real and awesome...

I love you to bits and pieces!

KerryLynne said...

awww, PUNKIN'...! just when i thought i couldn't love you more...you go and make it happen...!

i admire your history...your marriage...your love for your boys...your humor...your talent as an artist...your friendships...your thoughfulness...your physical beauty...your long-term goals...your sparkly eyes...your love of skinny pink birds...how you always burn cookies...and your huge boobs.

i am so glad you found me cuz you make my life better by being in it...:)

KeRRy + AsHLeY

island girl said...

Wowzers Ash! Why do you have to make me all teary eyed in the middle of the day like this! Your post was just beautiful!

What a peek into your mind, and your love for family and friends, and crayons and flamingos! You are just wonderful inside and out girl...the freckles are just gravy!!

You are a beautiful person Ash!

Ashley said...

Wow, Ash, this is so beautiful. I'm so happy that I know you... and now have this extra little slice of you to know, too.


Jen said...

That was beautiful...just beautiful. And thank you for sharing that...that's why I'm so loving this blog thing, getting to know all these amazing women that basically all have the same hopes/dreams/thoughts/insecurities/fears.


Colleen said...

much better than an entry about tae bo and guilt. i'm so glad you shared these things about yourself.

Tangee said...

Your post captured my heart, this is what every woman should be able to say, that they know themselves and the loves of their lives. Your heart shines through, baby girl, you are a REAL woman.

Kelly said...

I love this post! I love all the great things you wrote about your family and how everything is so heartfelt. I've seen the layouts at 2P's but it was great looking at them again and seeing the love you have for your guys. Oh and I really like your kids' names too.

shannon said...

Beautiful post Ashley. You really have a way with words. You rock.