A Work in Progress

So I don't know exactly how to start this story of mine.This weight loss story.

This journey of a year now.

I went to dig up some old photos of me from a year ago.

And emotions came flooding back.

Its the weirdest thing.

I look at these pictures - and I don't even recognize that girl.

But on the flip side - (the weird part) she is still very much a part of me.

I have come to realize that this fat girl will ALWAYS be a part of me.

She will never really go away.

Don't get me wrong - I don't want her to be the "spokesperson" for me anymore. I don't want to wear her size jeans anymore, I took all her clothes to Goodwill when I got too small for them - and I don't plan on ever having her mindset again.

But she will always remain a part of me.

Listening to too much Dr. Phil - or Oprah's Bob Greene had me wondering what hole I was emotionally filling with food. I still haven't acknowledged that there is/was one.

I reflect on my childhood - and I realize that it was 6th grade that I started struggling with my weight. But it wasn't a huge deal, the guys that teased me and called me chubby in 6th grade ended up asking me out in 8th. I guess I grew up, trimmed up, learned how to straighten my hair and developed breasts.

I wasn't an overweight teenager - I mean I could have lost maybe 10 or 15 pounds...But I do remember always caring a little more than necessary about food. I remember how happy food made me, how all of my plans included going to lunch or dinner, I constantly thought about what my mom could cook. Its like food never let me down.

I could blame it on a variety of things. But I don't like doing that. No excuses. I am accountable for me - and I can defy any predetermined odds. I could say - my dad died at 15, I'm adopted, I'm from the south and my mom makes the best fried chicken you've ever put in your mouth...but I won't do it.

I was in the United States Air Force - and what a mind-trip that is on your weight. I mean to constantly have to work out and worry about it - and knowing that I had always struggled a bit with it didn't help the matter. So after five years in the Air Force, I separated and completely rebelled. I didn't work out, ate whatever the hell I wanted, you know how it goes - time passes a pound here, a pound there, five pounds here, five pounds there and not to mention I had two more babies. We are talking a good 70 pounds.

So - fast forward to a year ago. My family moves to Knoxville, TN. We had always been searching for a town that was perfect for us. A town to raise our children in, a town with an active community, good schools, museums, farmer's markets, concerts, and nice people. I finally made up my mind that the Ashley I always wanted to be would be the Ashley that lived in this town.

I decided:
No more putting myself last.

No more thinking I'm not worth it.

No more thinking that "this is just the way I am".

No more thinking well I let my humor hopefully suffice for my body image.
No more being a crummy example to my children. (especially my daughter)
No more doing the easy thing - it was time to start doing the right thing.

Thirty days after I moved to Tennessee, my amazing friend Courtney and I joined Weight Watchers. I had done Weight Watchers once before - and had taken a little bit of the baby weight from having Sandler off. I liked the concept - and I knew I could be successful. Not to mention when you drop 100$ for something you will definitely go. I loved that time - Court and I - every Tuesday morning - Weight Watcher meetings, giggling in the back row - and then off to Panera Bread for a coffee and a bagel. I needed that time. It eased me into the healthy process - and I made changes slowly but surely and it felt right.

At the end of the 90 days, I had lost 16 pounds - a month later (February) I joined the gym.

I remember Anthony Robbins saying that the people you are around are either going to inspire you and bring you up - and make you want more or they are going to make you return to the group that isn't going anywhere, so you feel comfortable and safe. What I'm trying to say is that being around people that are physically fit will either light a fire in you to leave sweat on the gym floor - or to never go again - and stay home and eat a gallon Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

So - I started to finally get it - Losing weight is simple math. Put in less than what you put out. Its hard work. Its commitment. Its a vision. Its believing in what you cannot see. Those people in Hollywood that we are so envious of physically - they aren't freaking born that way. They work to get it. It doesn't come easy. If you want it - go out and get it.

I plateaued. In a big way. I stayed the SAME EXACT WEIGHT for four months. I was doing the same workout everyday, and not eating outrageous - but eating small portions of outrageous things. I got too comfortable - I guess you could say I got lazy. I got bored with the process. So - I started taking classes that really, and I mean really pushed me out of my comfort zone. Spin class, sculpting and boot camp. I discovered that I had to keep it new - keep it fresh. So with trying new classes and a rededicated sense of discipline, I finally broke that plateau and lost another 10 pounds.

So that brings me to now.

52 pounds lighter
Here I am.
This is me.
Its a brand new year - full of possibilities, its a blank page - and I can write whatever I want to write on it.

I wish I had taken a class like the one I put together - when I started it all. To have written when I was happy and sad. To have taken photos all along the way. But I'm not done yet - the story isn't over - and I can finish writing it.

And I'm gonna finish what I started for once - I still have big plans for myself. I still want to reach my goal weight in March of this year - buy a particular dress that Rhianna wore - and get two of my very best friends to take amazing photos of me. (Amby and Court) Vain? Maybe. But I will have earned it.
So no-I'm not a finalized success story. I'm still one in the making - a work in progress.

So that, in a very big nutshell is why I'm teaching this class. Why I feel that I have the heart and passion to do it. Whether or not you decide to join me - just know that I wish you all the success in the world in whatever goals you have. If you can see it, you can achieve it. And you freaking deserve it.

xo, aw